I am in my “bonus week” off chemo that I had planned for work. So instead of one week off treatment I got two weeks. The usual week off in between treatments always fly by so quick. It’s like a whirl wind of “where did that time go?”
I have hit the point that I really don’t want to go back and do it again. It feels good to get my body back. My mouth doesn’t feel weird. My hands and feet don’t feel raw. I can eat and drink anything without neuropathy issues. My hands only rarely light up with neuropathy right now. I don’t regularly feel that icky blah feeling. I don’t feel totally worn down. I don’t have to deal with the terrible taste of the IV flushes that make my face squinch up just thinking about it.
My inner child is throwing a temper tantrum. Like the epic ones where I am laying on the grocery floor flailing my arms and legs. I know this tantrum path will be fruitless. I will show up at the infusion clinic next Tuesday as planned and get back at it until the end of February. But the tantrum visual makes me feel better right now.
With the strength I have to get through this I feel a need for the honesty and vulnerability of the truth. This sucks. I just wanted to say out loud – I just don’t want to do this anymore. It’s hard.
I am thankful for the gifts of learning and growth that come from this. I need to be challenged to grow but I am holding space for myself to say this still sucks.
I will thoroughly enjoy the next few days. I am teaching a DONA Birth Doula Training this weekend to a full house and that will be fun. I will date my wife. Get my kid ready for Halloween. Visit with friends. Sit by bonfires in the cold evening air and be filled with gratitude for all the awesomeness that is my life. ❤️