Sometimes adulting can cause us to forget our magic. In the midst of Covid-19 there is a lot of adulting going on. Before Covid, for me, cancer felt like a lot of adulting. Raising teenagers feels like a lot of adult. So many things feel like a lot of adulting.
I cannot change my situation in these unique times. There is nowhere to run away to. Although sitting in the woods was a blissful break for me yesterday. I quit drinking over two years ago and my post cancer 2.0 diet does not allow comfort eating the way that would satisfy me. So the woods were like a lovely chilled glass of bourdon and a big chocolate chip cookie. It took me about 22 minutes before I felt my body start to let go of the death grip of survival and in that moment of release I took a big deep breath. I didn’t even realize to what I was holding until I let it go. I spent the next bit of time looking at the bare trees, watching a squirrel eat something on a log and soaked in the rare smattering of sunshine that would pass through the mostly cloudy sky.
I needed that break of peace to remember. To remember calm. To remember to breathe. To remember to stop. Fucking stop, like for real stop. Stop with the phone. Stop with the podcasts. Stop with the news. Stop with everyone else’s thoughts – even the amazing inspiring ones like Glennon Doyle whom I have recently discovered and am super smitten with. Stop with all the static and just sit. Just be.
In the stopping I remember my magic. I remember the magic me, the me that is sitting in the shadow watching the busy me consumed by static. The magic me is quietly waiting for the static me to notice her. Not with annoyance or judgement, just patiently waiting for me to see her. She whispers “You are ok. You are whole. You are special. I love you no matter what.”
I needed my magic me today.
Today is my three month CT scan. My first since cancer 2.0 and since deciding to not do chemo. I have been proactive with overhauling my diet, walking, meditation, yoga, chinese herbs, acupuncture and working with an eastern Doctor.
I do trust my belief in the mind body connection and food as healing. This scan still makes me nervous. As well as being in a hospital during the said peak week of Covid in Michigan.
If I remember to sit with my magic self she says to me – “Whatever comes, you are a badass magical princess who can take on any obstacle on your path. With your breath you fill all the cells of your body with light and power. You got this. And I love you no matter what.”
My magical self wraps me in love. She knows me. She believes in me. She knows I am worthy. She has my back in all situations even if I don’t aknowledge her – she is there.
If you think I am crazy for talking like this, I ask you to go to the woods. Go be quiet. Go and listen. Go and stop for a good bit of time. Look at the trees. Breathe. You may be surprised at who you find within you waiting, patiently on the sidelines whispering “You are ok. You are whole. You are special. I love you no matter what.”