Today is the three year anniversary of the day I went into the hospital.

That led to my advanced stage 3 cancer diagnosis. 

Today, I have had scratchy feelings that I could not identify.

I was projecting onto things around me. 

Seeking a source for my discomfort.

Thankfully the veil of illusion lifted for a moment

 for me to see through my mirage of comfortable discomfort

 to see the open dry desert

 of real uncomfortable feelings I have been avoiding. 

Three years ago my life pivoted into a fast spiral

of physical chaos, 

emotional juggling, 

mental armor 

and basic survival. 

Although we are through with that season of our lives,

there is an echo that pulses in the background, 

fading but still present. 

A low bell, 

bong….bong…….bong……..bong,

in the distance. 

So low I can hardly hear it 

but I can feel it, 

deep into my bones. 

My mind tells me it is such a waste of life

 to sit here weeping over the past. 

But something needs to be felt 

and it is making itself known.

Flow through me please.

I don’t want to carry you anymore.